for an old friend

told you what I needed to say
on a grassy cliff
Where the waves churned
Called Boiling Point.

I couldn’t stand you anymore
So I let you go

I couldn’t hurt you anymore so
I told you so.

I told you from my perspective what
was real for me, what was true
and you said to keep judgement out
So I laughed

What is love but war sometimes?
Who are you underneath all your pain?
Why are you still here if you so want to die, tossing yourself off cliffs
climbing mountains
not a single internal battle won
though

I wish you stood by your word
I wish you had morals and ethics
I wish I saw you clearly instead
Of you being the person
I so desperately wanted you to be

So if you die climbing
I am at peace knowing that I told you
Exactly what falling and failing in a friendship means to me
I told you about my heart
And the way you twisted it
Confused it, wrung it out
The way your hurt tears
Sting my wounds of a past self
The way you are unrecognizable

You’d say I was crazy
If I told you we had a past life together

Here’s what I remember
It’s snowy, it’s cold
I’m a queen, wearing fur, or just
A woman that tried to love you
You’re older, my husband
We are at war
I did something you asked me not to
I ran out
And was hit
An arrow to my heart
Drops of blood falling
On the white white snow
And suddenly I’m dying in your arms
And you had to cart my body back
And take care of our child alone

I’m sorry
I wish I could fix it
Thank you
I love you
Please forgive me

I can’t do it again
I can’t see you in the same light
I can’t watch you in the morning
Or the evening doing your crazy expeditions
I can’t hold onto the truth
That you’re risking your life
For nothing except your own
Sense of adventure

And maybe I respect that
Maybe I respect this distance
This choice to cut the cord.
My heart is raw from the way
You hurt me

So I pulled you into the fire
I let you burn
I let you go now
Alchemy is a comfort

“I know who I am in truth
I know what I am in truth
I know how I serve in truth
I am free, I am free, I am free”

My life is full of love now
teeming and overflowing with hope
There are people that care for me
That show up for me, over and over
Friends that offer to be a listening ear
Friends that laugh with me
Friends that see me, that hear me

I am loved
It is good

I wish you well too.
Maybe we love too differently after all.

forgiveness & belonging

I felt like I grew up in different worlds. There was my loud, spicy, welcoming extended Punjabi family where I was expected to smile and hug everyone. I didn’t feel proud to be Indian for many years – as a sensitive person I just felt overwhelmed. I felt guilty and ashamed that I couldn’t speak my mother tongue. I searched endlessly for belonging in other places.

At school I could find approval and acceptance through trying hard to be the best. By getting the best grades, working the hardest, the fastest. I was enrolled in all kinds of extra curricular activities as my parents tried to offer us the childhood they never had. As immigrants, maybe we felt like we had to try twice as hard to catch up to everyone else.

In books, music and playing with my homeschooled best friend across the street, I could escape my feelings of lack of belonging by immersing myself in other worlds. Becoming absorbed by stories and imagination, I didn’t have to face the reality of having a sometimes very depressed mother and a workaholic father.

Belonging felt elusive until I left home at 17 to join a community of people who reflected some of my dearest held values. Going to Pearson College was a dream come true and brought me the gift of soul friendships and learning through relationship.

After all these years of traveling, working, trying too hard, getting burnt out, realizing that life is not about a checklist – I think belonging is an internal experience. Belonging to a greater whole, to nature, belonging with God. Belonging with myself. Holding my inner child close. Following the path where I am understood and accepted by others.

Belonging emerges when I stop trying to be anything other than the flawed and imperfect and beautiful human that I am. And when I stop expecting others to be anything but a flawed, beautiful human.

Someone asked me to try to forgive them yesterday, someone that has inadvertently caused me a lot of pain – and I realized I had been holding on to a lot of anger and resentment. I realized that the more I did that, the more it hurt, and the more those feelings were reflected back to me. I thought of all the times when I had to hold back my tears to make others more comfortable. Holding in my sadness in order to appear strong, to present an image, to lie.

So yesterday when the tears kept rolling I let myself grieve and cry all the way through. I imagined a world where parents are taught how to be present with their children, how to hold their emotions with clarity and kindness, how to teach them how to be embodied, to identify what’s going on inside. I thought about the parent I dream of being. And I re-parented myself, realizing that my parents were just flawed imperfect beautiful humans that tried their best.

Maybe forgiveness is the moment when after you have no more tears and the weeping subsides, you’re left broken open and you choose to free yourself.

Belonging starts with accepting ourselves, fully. We are flawed, imperfect, beautiful humans capable of healing. Capable of doing better than what was done to us.

cabin thoughts

An eagle floated above us,
wings stationary – majestic stillness suspended in a blue blue sky. I am flying on a rope swing, rocky beach shores, periwinkle ocean glimmers with the raspberry sunset.
I feel free, suspended in air.

I wanted to say something
but words seem insufficient
during these transcendent
times

Living feels easy up here in the mossy
lush, rain stained forest. I am perched
On the rocks and staring at the ancient
evergreen trees, protective and sure.
timelessly witnessing the days rolling
I could gaze out this window forever
wondering about the mystery of our
Existence, there’s a song dancing
on my fingertips, like the way I trace
Ballerina steps on your back.

Tell the dolphins that I’m home
That I don’t know how everything
Is going to turn out. But I am having
a lot of fun nestled on this sacred land
Joy arises spontaneously like a familiar
spring blossom fragrance after this winter,


the cold frosted blades of grass thaw
when we remember who we are,
presence is magic.

Nothing lasts, everything passes
I want to remember what freedom really is, this expansive heart, I want to remember early spring evenings
when couples walk down country roads
at dusk, stealing kisses under moonlit
skies while the stars above laugh

Our human dramas seem so small
When planets orbit, galaxies are spinning
Thousands of years, this earth has been
Cycling, changing, transforming, healing, growing. You and I are tiny universes colliding for an instant, the earth is listening to a sound beyond us…

War is crackling, people are dying
Babies are being born, children are playing,
bombs are dropping, mothers
and fathers are trying to feed their families,
musicians are creating, all of it coexisting,
spinning, flurries of life expressing just seem to
keep dancing. it’s some kind of crazy miracle.

And here I am in a cabin in the woods
Watching rain fall on cedar trees.

My Lover

I want a lover who I can be my whole self with, unapologetically fierce and free and whole and funny and playful and mean and courageous and scared and silly and stupid and arrogant and sad with… I want a lover who wraps me in space and tenderness- who knows when I need to be held and grounded and rest my ear against his chest to feel the familiar thud of a friendly heartbeat. I want a lover who can be present with all of our emotions, who is self aware, reflective, thoughtful and knows how to be in silence with himself and with me, comfortably.

I want a lover who has faced his demons and turned them into creativity, an alchemist who loves learning.

I want a lover I feel alive with, a lover that stokes my embers, that supports my deepest dreams, that knows how to build and farm and create community. I want a lover who understands when I need alone time, retreat space, and who accepts my stormy skies with grace.

I want a lover to read with. To dream with. To hike with. To swim with. To travel with. To cook with. To bake with. To laugh with. To cry with. To twirl with. To dance with. To skinny dip in cold and warm waters and to come home to, over and over again. I want a lover that is my safe place and adventure buddy all rolled into one.

I want a love that is liberating, soulful, transcendent, sexy, funny, holy, intimate, sacred, thoughtful, kind and compassionate. I want a home with a meditation room and a bell. Books beautifully lining all our walls, the comfiest colourful furniture, hard wood floors and soft rugs, skylights and sunshine spilling over our skin, cinnamon wafting and flowers everywhere.

I want to dance in the kitchen with my lover, and know it’s safe to feel joy every day. I want to have adventures and bring each other warm drinks and smoothies and delightful treats… And sometimes I want a lover who I can order pizza with. Who is okay with messy but knows how to help me clean, who helps 52% in the home, who is the best father to my children that I could ever imagine.

I want a lover that loves his own life, has his own interests and passions, is self employed and successful and savvy and legit…

I want a lover who is my husband. Who is in it for the real deal and ready for what is steady and open and faithful and strong. Who stays with me when I’m birthing, this constant presence of steadiness and light and support. I want a lover who worships the divine feminine. I want a lover I can pray with, yell at the world with, scream with, whisper with, and speak without talking with.

I want a lover who is attuned. Who knows how to listen and be still and appreciate the big trees and the birdsong. I want a lover who cherishes earth and reads zen philosophy and loves yoga. I want a lover who is stable and financially abundant and secure, who is a patron of mine and others, I want a lover who is enlightened and prosperous and beautifully wealthy. I want a lover who is generous and warmly hospitable. Who comes from a beautiful family. Who welcomes me into his world with pride and devotion.

I want a lover who brings out the best in me, who shows me that life is better together, who commits and communicates with clarity and ease.

Emotionally wise, spiritually evolved, generous, gentle and strong. I want a lover who is an awakened man, who is interested in self inquiry and self compassion, a man who loves himself and is comfortable with his mind. Who has made peace with his soul. Who is living his divine mission and purpose and weaves it gloriously with mine. I want a lover who knows how to traverse the deep realms with me, who keeps me safe, who protects and provides with courage and strength.

I want a love where we believe in each other and communicate with heart, even when we disagree. I want a love of balance and wholeness and connection.

I want a lion of a lover, I want an ocean of bliss, I want to meet him in the forested lands of healing and growth, I want to walk through the cold hard times and emerge stronger, wiser and more at peace with the streaks of the sunset. I want to skip and jump and walk and crawl through life with a lover that knows everything is temporary and lives better because he knows we are not promised anything. I want a lover that helps me fall in love with the whole entire world, over and over again.

snow

today the snow swirled in the streetlamp beam
flurries dancing, fluffy and breathtaking
I stood outside and felt compelled
to walk the streets on Christmas eve.
no one was there, and my aloneness
was precious, watching the flakes
of exquisite beauty land
cushioning all the sound
the city didn’t feel busy for once
I looked up into galaxies of snow
pale moonbeam dreams of wonder
looked down and their shadows were
moving toward me, pouring
hypnotically on the earth
so fragile and fleeting

my heart used to mourn on evenings like this
but instead tonight I peered curiously into warm
houses of fireplaces and people huddled around
dining tables, of lights and bookshelves,
and I didn’t feel jealous or longing
there is a sweetness in my solo- hood
part of me wants to relish this
part of me still desires a community
and I know it will come
to be huddled up with others you love
fireplace roaring, reading, cozy,
warm food and spicy drinks
I think winter pleasure thaws the frozen
parts inside me, wrapped up in the
comfort and safety of the love
of others

but tonight
I am writing this on my laptop
fireplace flickering, Greek food takeout aroma
lingers in my living-room, wrapped up in warm sweater
dreaming of a future while being content with the present
I could really savour a home with a partner
I could really thrive with children
I ask God a lot about a husband and a family
I am nearly 30
It feels precious to be in charge of my own life
freedom is more valuable perhaps
I am not willing to trade it
yet

maybe you saw me tonight
walking in the snow
my hair full of winter kisses
drenched and covered in melting flakes
I have never felt so happy
on a holiday by myself

Grey

It’s a grey day
again, sun so fleeting
I’m squinting into
a daydream
Cedar and fir beams
are what my dreams are made of
planting gardens of sunflowers
this moment of hope billows
gentle curving slopes of
mountain peaks and evergreen
misty soft majesty singing, drifting
Life is so much slower up here
I have space to feel and think
reflect and remember
what is everyone chasing –
Is the 9-5 grind satisfying to some?
mortgage payments and fast cars
stuck in gridlock screaming, teeming
overflowing with to-do lists and distractions.
is there a joy in consuming so much
the endless quest for more
filling a never ending void
If you stop for a second
and breathe
what happens?
Was there a time when I loved urban life?
It feels like a past life, my last life –
of ambition and striving and planning and hoping
without a job title and a degree, trying to be
what was expected and promised in me
Who are you? In the quiet moments?
Does peace find you when you’re alone?
Can a gentle appreciation of being alive
settle when you’re running in a million wild
directions? Maybe I have the opposite issue
I have been in a pause for a while…
maybe I can never really judge
what I don’t understand
Inertia or just a need for rest I’m not sure –
But the crisp cold breeze is telling me
We all have our own journeys
And maybe you could tell me
I’m slower than most, luckier
But when I look at the sky
and the twisting maps of
tree branches and rivers rushing
nothing feels more important
than being present to this aliveness
nothing really happening
just feeling a strange, simple
joy and peace begin to peek out
like a surprise winter bloom
the frozen parts of me
crack open and thaw, I watch
a bird fly over the ocean
freedom is a feeling
love is a state of being.

wise and wild women

I’m a fence rattler
A cage breaker
A gentle rebel
A fierce lover
A tree hugger

Being wild
Is not how I was raised
For most of my years
I’ve been a devout
Rule follower, people pleaser
Be the best of the best
Of what they want you to be
Checkmarks and straight As

Becoming wild
Was more like a volcano erupting
Feelings and experiences not allowed
Good girl sorrow, rage unexpressed
Built up like fissures and earth quakes
How much can we take, patriarchy
Rolls over us like a truck, sets me on fire
Suddenly molten lava spewing, stewing
Tectonic expectations crushing
Be pretty, smart, successful
It’s earth shatteringly stressful

Explosions and gentle patient loving explorations led to new levels of healing
courage to be myself unabashedly protecting myself and saying no
Spirit guides and power animals
Led to reclaiming my deep roots
Led to remembering my truth

Wild wise women
Are the future
Whispering new solutions
Holding a broken bleeding world
Mending the wounds of centuries
With gentle calloused hands
Reconnecting to the land
Raising children to be completely
Free, aware of their deepest gifts
Empowered to share and be themselves

I am ready
To dive into the new dimensions of possibility, ready to explore community and love and creativity and hope and unity and strength

We are the wells of
Ancient springs
Water flows
Softly snows
Rains drip

Women know
Earth sings

All is well
All is love
All is One

spider-silk

Spider silk
Refracting hope in the form
Of rays of light
beaming toward me
Subtle magic
Miracles really

I am caught up
In webs of worry
Fear based thinking
Scared of being abandoned
Scared of being unlovable
Scared of facing the truth

So I watch the ways
That spider spends her days
These fragile homes
Suspended in air
Barely visible there
These paths she wove
To dance and feast
And rest and catch

Did my soul do something similiar?
Is there a path I’m weaving
Wordlessly barely visible
Where does it lead?
What am I praying for?

This season is teaching me
How to decay
Like the bones and berries
And branches surrender themselves
Home to the soil
I’m unrecognizable
Entropy is relentless
I can’t escape this death
Old self is disintegrating
Snake skins of old reveries
Have I outgrown this
Fear of the dark?
Who am I becoming?

I’m letting go of my
Desperate insistence
To be in control

Spider tendrils
Are telling me to
Write my own story

Dreams don’t have human
Timelines. Goals cannot be
Scripted into the universe
Maybe we don’t know everything
Maybe all we can do some days
Is sit in the light and watch
How nature resists no cycle.

In allowing and trusting
All that’s meant for me
Will find me. I will keep
spinning my silk sentences,
And watch the light
Dance across my fingertips.

Me & Sadness

I feel like I’ve been alone forever
Treading water in a black sea
These moods leave me shipwrecked
life feels tragically and magically
empty – I am a hollow reed
like a tide fighting the shore
resistance is playing me
there’s nothing wrong / nothing right

Life has a wordless soft melancholy
death and grief have taken up a
reverent residence inside my mind
and heart and throat and eyes. I am
weeping grace, stories of uncertainty
on replay, dripping from wells of
untapped potential, I am bleeding
expectations of how I should be

Maybe we are all wounded
by existence – I feel so hopelessly sad
for no good reason – is there ever a reason?
just a general heaviness – can you explain
it to me so that I make sense again?

I roll over to greet another perfect dawn
I try to be grateful. The blinds
won’t go back up so the blackness lingers
my perspective is tainted / painted with
100% UV protection – but it feels strangely
suffocating – simmering – seeping
have I played it safe for too long?

What more could I want? I have
everything I need. Is it too much
to ask to be happy?

sadness, she knocks again
I open the door
welcome her into
my empty
hollow arms
I hold her
Together we
cry and laugh and
shake and

she whispers, I am not
here to hurt you
I am here to
be loved

wrapped up in a hundred satin shades
of huddled under cover sapphires
my eyes ache and I feel exhausted

we crawl back into bed
suffering smells like her
jasmine hair –

I hold sadness until she sighs
like a tender infant in the middle of the night
smiling faintly she fades into the stars
my arms are empty again

I watch the sky
and wait for another
chance of dawn.

secret

i am off on a secret journey. Don’t know why it feels so hushed, maybe just my fear of being judged. Airport mornings, sleepy tea, unexpected cheap rides to the airport.

Somehow when I sojourn I feel like this nomad way of life is ancestral. Something in my bones wants to roam, explore. I want to see and feel other lands as much as I want anything. It’s primal. I can’t explain it.

You can tell me I am irresponsible, or that you don’t agree with my freedom loving ways. And I will respond and tell you that I need travel like I need water and I have been parched from too many days left waiting, too many possibilities I said no to because of the need to fit in, to work hard, to prove my worth.

What if, when we were growing up, someone told us that our worth is inherent, it doesn’t change, no matter what we do. That we could take as many days off as we needed and never be considered lazy. What if someone told us we were all gifted uniquely and that our main purpose was to uncover that gift?

So as dawn hazily wraps around this Wednesday like a sheer cloak, I find myself liberated. Free. Like I have always wanted this but never allowed myself to say yes. There were too many other people’s thoughts trying to convince me of something other than my heart’s compass that just quietly and repeatedly says,

“go. go. trust. flow.

let the world surprise you with its gifts.

you have suffered enough.

you deserve beauty and joy and adventure and love and travel and freedom and abundance and all of these things overflowing from your wandering heart.

come home to you,

make peace with your body.

the day has come to be true and remember and know that all is possible with God.”

i look out at the beautiful expressions,

so many gorgeous connections.

fear has become a ghost that wisps

and I have chosen to grow.

life beckons, dreams call, so finally I listen and walk towards my soul’s path.

Friend/Lover/Artist

I think I lost you
in between the ways
you tried to hold me
I think I lost you
because I wasn’t ready for what my
heart is now dreaming of, of the
Bigness and realness of
committed love.

manifesting
mutating
morphing
making

So maybe I settled on
Feeling unsettled
Not quite sure, hesitant
One foot in, one second here
Falling in love with ideas
Ideals, projections, hopes
Dreams that I wished
For you, but really it was
For me. To make you more
What I thought you should
Be. Well that’s a recipe
For unmet expectations
Crying orgasms
Ecstasy and
Heart wrenching
Pain

When emotions
And intimacy
Are entwined
Entangled
I can feel all
The other women
You love(d)
Haunting me

My womb feels cluttered
Sputtered
Stuttered

Did you love me?
Did you see me?
Was it real?

I am leaning against my car
Dancing with you in the sunlight
Ocean breeze, waves pound
We swim. We stare up at blankets
Of stars in the milky galaxies
Midnight ink, strewn about like
Your clothes and mine in piles
Long drives through countryside
Singing Elton John, sneaky stolen
Melting moments
On the mountain passes
And under tree canopy
And on a park bench
And all over my house
And all over your roof
And when the sun rose
I always looked at you
And loved the way
Morning washed
Over you like
A golden haze
Shimmery beaming
Sleepy and moody

The first time we
Simultaneously
Rippled out in
Some kind
Of galactic
Remembering
I remember
That coming back
To earth was hard

Loving you
Was psychedelic.
And now the trip
Is slowing down
To a halt, I am off
And I am getting
On a new plane
New places
New people
New passions

Change is a beacon
Flashing over the Mediterranean
So I reached up and caught
The floodlight

One arm reaching out
One tree branch
Leaning awkwardly
Ready to fall
I fought it before,
Fought caring, fought reality
Dismissed the possibility
That loving you was
Out of bounds

I crossed that threshold
Only to find that I was asking
Too much, it isn’t fair
To ask you to love me better
Because you offered so much

Showed me soulful intimacy
And fun exploration
Reminded me of the goodness
Reverence of the goddess
Showed me redemption
Of men, tried to show me your
Beautiful broken pieces
Tried to explain things
I couldn’t see

You’re a soul friend
That I fell apart with
Falling in love with
Ideas instead of
The way we could
Just be together
The way our bodies
Fit seamless
You belonged
Inside of me
Was I always
A part of you too?

In the other realms
Of fae and elfin
I am sure we made
Lots of magic

I want to think
That you thought
I was special
But my small self
Cannot satisfy
My deep desires

I am already whole

I am holding the gifts
Of our time like canary
birds in cages
like shattered rose
Quartz, like chocolate
Eaten alone, hurried in a flurry
Of tears, of late nights
And lazy Saturday mornings
Wandering the streets
For coffee so you could awaken

Holding your hand
Holding your potential
Holding your way
You made me feel safe
And at home in turmoil

Tucked me in, softly
Kissed my forehead
Came and found me
In the mornings

I don’t know how many times
I told myself I wasn’t worthy
Of love, you in turn, told me
That you loved all the parts of myself
I couldn’t accept.

And we danced and drank and ate
We walked and fought and laughed
And cried and through so many shades
Of our days, I never stopped loving
The colour you painted on my insides

Bright flashes of blue sapphire
Magenta skies, mother of pearl
Emerald green mossy dreams
You came to me in so many
Dimensions, so many ways that
You held my heart, my head,
My body through space

Time is an illusion
so

Saying goodbye is
Some kind of lie
Because I know we will
Morph into something else
But letting go of the version of
My old self is like stripping back
Cedar bark, like a snakeskin
Layers that are starting to crack
And fray – I am not the same

So at the end of the day
I am grateful for this party
Reminiscent of home
And I am so high thinking
Of everything we walked through
Realms of fire and water
Celestial beings
Raining down
On me
Showing me
What union
And separation
Really are.

hold me
in your heart
like a promise of peace
to our younger selves
and in the still safe places
i will dance through
our wandering
freedom loving
creative hallways
of connection.

Running from Myself

Running
Looking back
Over my shoulder.
Running. Spinning.
Hands trusting me
Ancestors got my back
Colour exploding out
My heart is rainbow crazy
Love is dripping so deeply
Gripping so intensely ripping
I am slipping into a new way
Of being loved

Steady
Calm
Strength

With you I can jump
And leap and
Feel free
To express

If there is a life
Spent frolicking
Delight is a wisp
Of crystal stream

Whole within
Beauty is everywhere

The light is not discriminating
I am so ready to live

Show me the path
God is orbiting

This world
Is not alone

If I could whisper
I would scream,
believe me
If I could scream
Silence would shudder
Out of my quick dissolving rage

I cant seem to stay angry anymore
If you are the truth
I am ready
To meet you.

Grief is a Window

Grief is a window
I am climbing through
The panes are not solid
They are fluid like the waves
of the ocean and my hair

If I was over there
Next to you, fly fisherman
Maybe I would tell you
My heart is not broken
But bent into misshapen pieces
Of smashed and shattered
Expectations and wishes

If I could tell you
Would you listen?

How I am half way bent through
Anguish was a bedfellow
I kicked out a few years ago
And when he came knocking
This time, I said shoo
I don’t need this pain any longer
I am shedding my old ways
Getting ready to fly solo

If I told you,
Fly fisherman
That two weeks ago
My friend jumped off
A 31st floor balcony
And decided to die
That flash instant
Decision of suicide
Sent ripples
Through
The earth
Cracks

A crackling phone call
If tell you I did a ritual
On my friends grave
You tell me you kissed
A
Girl
Who
Flies
Planes

This is a bad trade.

So I guess
My fight or flight instinct kicked in
When I kept calling an answering machine
When will people ever understand
That screens do not replace touch
Do not replace hugs
Do not replace dinner parties
Do not replace love

I am falling apart
On the shores of my dream
I am letting go
Of so many petals
I am forgetting everything
And remembering nothing
I feel defeated (for a while)

Neutral and empty handed
I have officially entered
no mans land
Give me a gun
As a single woman
I am alone
I am lonely.
I am alone
It is peace.
I want to live.

Fisherman casts his net
Or a line
Something bit
Was it me
A train roars
The mountain passes
Are shaded by luminescence
My heart is rumbling onwards

For My Friend Khalid

Know that you come to this world from an unknown world of nothingness,and again will be travelling to another unknown territory of nothingness” – Sheikh Nazim Al-Haqqani

I remember you. I remember us.
I remember you hanging out in my purple hammock on East House Lawn. I remember our hilarious conversations in Anthropology, doing a marriage by capture skit with Nadine that left us in stitches. I feel like my heart needs stitching up since you left.

We have spoke so many beautiful conversations of soul. You spoke and listened and discoursed and wondered. You were a great mediator and voice of calm during my fiery moments of zealous passion. You translated. You structured.

You
Were
Brilliant
Like a
Thousand
w(holy) suns

You opened up to me.
I called you in the hospital.
I know first hand what is like
To be treated like an animal
In the Canadian Mental Health
“care” system – did they even
Know how to care for you at all?
For you, were in the world
But not of the world
This world
Was too dense.
You, my friend, were a true
Renaissance genius.
A philosopher.
A rule breaker.
A brave revolutionary.
Your words wove miracles
Your papers created awe
You
Were
Brilliant

Stars are raining down on me
Like the tears that won’t stop
Streaming down my face
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
already

You tell me
In dreams
That you are ok
I want to believe you
But the human heart
Can shatter in a million ways

My teacher said
If i feel grief all the way through
It always leads back to love

I guess I loved you Khalid
More than words will ever express.

Rest in joy.
In love. I hope you find
The calm and the soft
Cradle of the skies
In the deepest peace
Of the most beautiful
Mountains, of the most
Tranquil seas.

You are a soul
That lives on
In every heart
That was blessed
To know you.

Your eternal flame

Glows in the darkest

Of days.

Running (Still)

I can’t keep up
the pace is suffocating
the sidewalks are empty
high heels getting dusty
voice getting husky
I am becoming new

I can’t keep up
the men keep telling me
I don’t know what’s up
and I keep telling them
look down, you have
been wrong all along

right and wrong
mean nothing
and everything
and I checked out
of a war that was
never real to
begin with

I can’t keep up yet
there is a songbird lilting delicately
in the pine trees above the window
over my temporary reprieve
I am in a cottage of peace
Safe and wrapped in a soft bubble
of neutral calming space

I can’t seem to remember
what fast and slow means anymore
I am standing still with my palms open
to the winds of change, offering me hope
I am open hearted asking for life
to meet me halfway, leaning slightly
the wind speaks to me
she is listening
my words are not wasted


inside nature embraces
the great mother remembers

I am not chasing anymore
this feels new
I am not running away
I am not bracing and steeling
I am not trying to grovel and beg
to prove my self worth to you
nothing to lose or for you to steal

I am just sitting calm and cool
lily pad on bamboo walls
relaxed and releasing
surrendering
lightly, sitting tall
impermanence is reassuring
I didn’t know I could find
equanimity after so many
days of tears and rage
I didn’t know that calm
was underneath
these tumultuous seas
of chaos and undoing

I am falling and dancing
I am rising and walking
I am steadying my heart
I am following my bliss
I am creating my joy
I am contemplating
sitting
cooking
writing
pausing
listening
enjoying
breathing
being

stillness arrives
in blessed quiet space
I wait for the message
god whispers to me
in lullabies


silence lingers

I drift into dreams
of awe.

Headphones

I want to freeze frame this moment
You are sitting next to me on the patio
Pale blue sofa, lazily sipping a drag
So chill that water would roll
Like a perfect round drop
Down the curvature
Of your spine

I am wearing
The brand new headphones
You so carefully and painstakingly
Picked out for my birthday.
They couldn’t be more perfect.
I am wearing them
And listening to
on melancholy hill

And tears are rolling
Like mountain waterfalls
Because to feel loved and cherished
Is something I forgot I was worthy of.
You look out into the distance
A faint smile on your lips
And I am crying
Feeling so loved
That tears
Speak
Louder
Than
Words

Songs play
In my ears
And I am
Dancing
With you
In my heart.

Breathing Love

you’re the kind of wave that rumbles. you’re the kind of home that sings. you’re an embrace I never really thought I needed, so instead desire crept up like a beautiful snake and a cobra rose like a flower in my heart. I wanted to stay safe and away from love. I guarded my heart with millions of arrows and swords, I was so afraid of showing anyone how many times I’ve been torn up over some ex or some experience. I lived so many lives in one. I fell through the ropes of my guarded insecurity and tumbled into your beautiful arms. You held me and said I was a divine goddess, I found peace in the space you gave me, and in the joining there was a kind of homecoming – you’re some kind of spiritual ecstasy that drips from my lips to the earth and evaporates to heaven.

you’re biblical in the way that you hold me, you find me in between gasps, you leave me hanging for words and I want to pretend I’m not in love but I am… With you, with the world, with God.

I am pirouettes of wonder, I am dancing in my car and I am reflecting on birds. I am sipping nectar from the moments of pleasure that leave me reeling and reckoning and wondering and tumbling and all of my overthinking jargon becomes nothing around you.

I remember that I am alive. I breathe. You exhale. I move. It’s holy. It’s good. It’s forgiving. It’s cleansing. Some kind of baptism by fire I am alight, my flames are licking your shores and I am home over and over again in your eyes, I am swimming and you are singing and harmony floods my world.

Forests of God

I pray in the forest
Because the canopies are my cathedral ceilings, my temples are made of glistening moss, emeralds of lichen adorn the wispy branches, life is sprouting evermore, grounding into the veins of earth, soil is rich like crumbling chocolate cake. I’m finding my self in between thoughts. I’m looking down and up. Glimpses of Eagle’s wings take me back to my truth, to the guidance, to the loving source permeating the web of existence holding me.

The fly buzzes
Raven cackles
The echo of sunshine
follows my horizons
The trails of wonder
Leave traces of gold

Flecks and copper sketches

On my wind worn hands
The cold is a song I’ve rehearsed
For a million years
The warmth is softly cradling
My homecoming
Like caressing the cheek
Of my lover – hummingbird kisses

Love is no less real here
Love is no less potent
Outside of some government
Sanctioned arrangement
Love is no less powerful
When it enters me
While I sit in silence
On the benches of my
wide eyed
awakening

Singing me back to my knowing again,

rowing me home over and over

Nature is my solace
A safe place
Nature is my medicine
He is my wine
Life can be brutal
Ruthless even –
The Eagle that glints to me in majesty
Will also ravage a crows nest and devour
New life that never had a chance

We are all innocent
In our lonely ways
In our far cast longings
In our crestfallen sorrow
In our disappointing nostalgia
In our grief for a world
We ignored. Forgotten in the
Trappings of Industry’s Cold
Mean Gaze, grovelling for gold
Stamped approval in a world
that doesn’t
Even know what
that means.

I’m allowing the world to exist
Just as it is.
I’m allowing the breath of life
To fill my lungs more fully

In quiet moments
My freedom is found
In my own relationship
To thoughts and emotions
Filtering through like rain
The only freedom that exists
Is within and in everything else
Reflects and refracts the truth of
The green green canopies
That keep on budding and blooming
Incessantly ignoring our lost celebrations
The leaves that keep on fluttering and shining, no end to cycles, nature doesn’t care about your plans, she makes her own.


The consistent seasons that need no faith
Nature is never uncertain, it is instead delayed or unseen to those not ready to immerse themselves in the waters of home

Truth is spoken to me in the blackbird’s sermons. My hymns are hums. My prayers are mutterings and cell phone poems. My confessions are stories of ecstasy. My praise is to all life. I don’t know the word sin because all that anything is, is love and learning, light and its holy shade.

You don’t go to hell you just temporarily moved too far away from the light, you can’t tell left from right, you’re fumbling because your eyes are shut tight. Open them right & The sun can be blocked by the grey but it never goes away. God can be cast out of your heart but She always remains. Let her in. Be the space that holds All That Is.

Sounds / Silence

I’m a whisper hidden under the cacophony of a cityscape so lost in making sound, they forgot the bliss of silence. Is that why I stay up past midnight? Because quietude can be found when the city is not conscious.

I’m curious about if the work I’m doing is depleting me or if it is simply acknowledging the truth of what is. I keep trying to hold the possibility of what could be, I keep promising that this world could be different.

Yet when starlings fly across dusky oceanside strolls, when ravens laugh with me from the treetops, when dreams of whales and porpoises lull me to sleep… there’s nothing I want to change.

Nature is always calling us to remember. Nature is always beckoning me to follow. I dream of slow still mornings on the land. Dewy and moss cushioning my head. I feel this relief when I’m there, this constant reassurance of cycle. Hope is not even necessary because my ideals are alive there.

I want to learn how to light a beautiful fire. How to cook with the elements and heal with herbs. To channel my ancestral wisdom, to embody the wild woman. To bathe under moonlight. To become rapturous with the full moon, to hold my heart sacred, to feel the possibility of rest being the foundation from which all else arises.

Silence is a home that I curl up in. Silence is a call to come back. Silence echoes in the grass and the rocks, bounces and sings in the trees. Silence is a wish. Silence is a joy. Silence is comfortable when I am at home within.

Acceptance and striving can be concurrent. Clarity, truth and vision can simultaneously hunger together for a better world.

My voice is a beacon, the light is streaming across a globe lighting up. Sparks of light join in connect the dot constellations. Starlight is streaming from our eyes, earth is pouring from our feet. We are bridges, standing together, holding strong for a birth of a new dawn.

Indigo Light

Your embrace
is a safe place
to just be me
your heart is
a brilliant prism
reflecting rainbows
on my fingers
and across the
white walls
of my bedroom.

your lips paint
wonder on my face

a fragile strength
a roaring quietude
a rough silk

a tension of opposites

the stars shimmer
glimmer on a city nightfall
from a park bench
I throw my head back
and laugh at the sky

you are a soundwave
rippling across
the expanses of my body
murmuring a kind
of wise lullaby
so uniquely you
you help me to be me.

I am sending you sweetness
like letters, like snowflakes,
like chocolate melting.

my being is dappled in light
streaming through my eyelids

you are luminous
and I am the indigo night.