for an old friend

told you what I needed to say
on a grassy cliff
Where the waves churned
Called Boiling Point.

I couldn’t stand you anymore
So I let you go

I couldn’t hurt you anymore so
I told you so.

I told you from my perspective what
was real for me, what was true
and you said to keep judgement out
So I laughed

What is love but war sometimes?
Who are you underneath all your pain?
Why are you still here if you so want to die, tossing yourself off cliffs
climbing mountains
not a single internal battle won
though

I wish you stood by your word
I wish you had morals and ethics
I wish I saw you clearly instead
Of you being the person
I so desperately wanted you to be

So if you die climbing
I am at peace knowing that I told you
Exactly what falling and failing in a friendship means to me
I told you about my heart
And the way you twisted it
Confused it, wrung it out
The way your hurt tears
Sting my wounds of a past self
The way you are unrecognizable

You’d say I was crazy
If I told you we had a past life together

Here’s what I remember
It’s snowy, it’s cold
I’m a queen, wearing fur, or just
A woman that tried to love you
You’re older, my husband
We are at war
I did something you asked me not to
I ran out
And was hit
An arrow to my heart
Drops of blood falling
On the white white snow
And suddenly I’m dying in your arms
And you had to cart my body back
And take care of our child alone

I’m sorry
I wish I could fix it
Thank you
I love you
Please forgive me

I can’t do it again
I can’t see you in the same light
I can’t watch you in the morning
Or the evening doing your crazy expeditions
I can’t hold onto the truth
That you’re risking your life
For nothing except your own
Sense of adventure

And maybe I respect that
Maybe I respect this distance
This choice to cut the cord.
My heart is raw from the way
You hurt me

So I pulled you into the fire
I let you burn
I let you go now
Alchemy is a comfort

“I know who I am in truth
I know what I am in truth
I know how I serve in truth
I am free, I am free, I am free”

My life is full of love now
teeming and overflowing with hope
There are people that care for me
That show up for me, over and over
Friends that offer to be a listening ear
Friends that laugh with me
Friends that see me, that hear me

I am loved
It is good

I wish you well too.
Maybe we love too differently after all.